Sunday, June 20, 2010

I Am Such A Pussy

Woke up feeling very manly today. Grabbed the dog and headed up to the trailhead at Black Butte for a rugged uphill hike to the summit. Parked the Jeep Grand Cherokee with heavy duty off-road suspension, put on my hiking boots, my special moisture wicking underlayer, my fleece vest and my Patagonia Goretex windproof outer shell. Switched on my solar powered Garmin 60XS GPS unit with the special Oregon geographical contour overlay. Strapped on my dual-bladder hydration pack and grabbed my cork handled Leki spring-loaded hiking sticks which are capable of absorbing 30% of the shock from my knees.

As I was locking up the Jeep a beat up old 1980 Subaru wagon with bald tires pulled into the space next to me. A woman stepped out of the car wearing slip on sneakers. She grabbed her baby girl out of the car seat, slid her shirt open and started breast feeding her. And that was how they went up the same trail I was heading up. I think she gave me a very quick condescending look as she left.

Happy Father's Day.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Violence Erupts In The Streets of Sisters After Laker Win

Ignoring the post game pleas of both the police and LA news commentator Rob Fukazaki, a Sister's man went on a wild celebratory spree that turned violent and destructive Friday evening after the Los Angeles Lakers clinched the NBA Championship against an especially ugly Boston Celtic team.

According to Millie Cyrus, owner of Alpacas n' Things, "I looked up and saw Mr. Monteiro run past the store wearing nothing but his Laker boxer shorts and a big smile. He seemed to be excited. Very excited. Really, really excited and it's been such a long time since I've had any. Gosh I wish he'd come in."

Mr. Monteiro was also witnessed trying to turn over a garbage can and set it on fire. "He pushed and pushed but he couldn't get it to tip over so we went out and helped him," said Bob and Mary Grace Coulterville, owners of Ear Expressions. "Sure, he was trying to burn down the town but he's still a neighbor and you help neighbors."

Mark Monteiro, a former Los Angeles resident and longtime Laker fan was finally apprehended after a high speed 3mph chase down Main Street in his buckboard. Sister's Sheriff Joe Bob Beergut who made the arrest said, "We haven't seen anyone going down Main Street that fast since the throttle got stuck on Clarence Twilly's electric cart. Mr Monteiro was in an obvious state of intoxication when we finally pulled him over and he was shouting profanities at someone named Red Auerbach."

After spending the night incarcerated at the ice cream shop Mr. Monteiro was released. His court date has yet to be set.