Friday, April 24, 2009

Holy Shit 2

Well today was interesting. If you read Holy Shit you know that a mountain lion killed a deer behind our house two nights ago. Today I had to figure out what to do with the body. After talking to a few locals and then calling the Central Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife I quickly surmised that a mountain lion killing a deer 50 feet from where you're eating nachos and watching the Laker game gets about the same amount of interest as if you called the Southern California Department of Fish and Wildlife to report that you have mice. No one cared and no one had much in the way of advice on what to do with it. So I was left to use my own wits. Always a dangerous proposition. After devising  and throwing out several elaborate plans involving harnesses and helicopters I decided to go old school.  I bought a rope, tied it to the deer's legs and then dragged it down the hill about a quarter of a mile where the wild turkeys, in what I thought to be ironic, would be able to have their Thanksgiving. As I was hauling this thing down the hill my first thought was, "How in the hell did I end up here. I used to run a major international advertising agency. I have an Emmy." My second thought was realizing just how strong a mountain lion must be. I was having trouble dragging this deer downhill using a rope and my entire body.  The lion had dragged this same deer across flat land and uphill...with its mouth. Let's just say I'm glad there's a 12" concrete wall between us when I'm sleeping.

Holy Shit!!!

Last night Melanie and I were watching television and we heard a strange noise coming from outside. Like a donkey yelling at someone who cut him off in traffic. This afternoon I'm walking up the driveway and I see a drag mark across the driveway about 50 yards from our house.  The mark is pretty big and evenly contoured so I know it's not from my dragging tree limbs around. So I follow it out into the woods a bit and find a dead full grown deer that has been taken down by a mountain lion then dragged about 100 feet and feasted on. I will be double checking all the doors and windows tonight.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

This Just In

As some of you may know I haven't watched the news since December. No television, no newspapers and no online. Here's what has slipped through the net so far. There was a tea party tax revolt. Blagovioch and Specter were convicted. Some guy at Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac killed himself. Valerie Bertinelli looks great. Citibank and GE reported good earnings. Obama is a Socialist. Mirror Pond needs to be dredged out. Texas wants to secede. A woman from England named Susan Boyle can sing. The Obama Administration is proposing a high speed rail system. A man saved his dog using cpr. Obama's girls got a Portuguese water dog puppy. Mel Gibson's wife got $500 million. AIG execs aren't getting anything. The Big 3 car execs flew in separate private jets to a meeting in Washington. Madonna tried to adopt another baby from Malawi. The Queen of England groped Michele Obama.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

One Good Thing About Smoking

Unfortunately, with all that negative press about poison and people dying I think we may have thrown the baby out with the bath water when it comes to smoking. The action of smoking may have been the only time most people really focused on their breath.  The long, slow inhale followed by holding it in and contemplating life then slowly exhaling it all out.  Totally meditative. Try this next time you're sitting alone.  Pretend you're smoking.  Really. Put an invisible cigarette in your mouth and smoke it.  By the time you're finished with your first invisible cigarette I guarantee you'll feel better and more relaxed.  I recommend starting with three packs a day and working your way up from there.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Rutt Row

Back in October of 2008 I was sitting in a market in Bend having a meal and thoroughly enjoying watching Scooby-Doo on the tv. Everything was going great... until some putz asked if he could change the channel. What was I going to say? So he picked up the remote, switched on CNN and to my horror the stock market was in a free fall and had already dropped over 800 points.  I looked around and the place had come to a complete stop.  About 25 adults were clutching their fresh baguettes and starring in horror at the carnage on the screen. At that moment I decided not to watch, read, surf or ask anyone about the news. I was going cold turkey. Granted, the first few weeks were tough and I had the shakes  but with the love and support of my family I was able to make it through to the other side. These days I'm feeling happier, calmer, smarter and better than I have in years and I believe a lot of that has to do with not being buffeted by the endless stream of news that is force fed down our throats on a daily basis. I can't even say that I feel less well-informed. But I am left wondering whether any of these horrible economic events would have happened if we had just left Scooby- Do0 on. 

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Need More Readers

Sex, sex, sex, titties, sex, sex sex, explosion, fiery crash, sex, sex, sex, ass, corruption, sex, mistress, Lindsay Lohan, sex, babysitter, nanny, sex, throbbing, politician, quiver, Hugh Grant, massacre, plane crash, sex, cheerleader, two cheerleaders, entire squad of cheerleaders, pool boy, breasts, strippers, lap dance, sex, ferret, divorce, hotel room, brawl, leather, chains, handcuffs, hard, wet, pudding, whip, chains, riding crop, bondage, jello, nipple, bicep, tricep, buttocks, zucchini, cigar, Puffy, nude, exposed, foreplay, orgasm, hello kitty, Bangkok, ping pong ball, slap, bite, nibble, sex, cream, lollipop, nylons, bustier, Martha Stewart, panties, prison, gerbil.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I'm Being Followed By A Deer

We left the house this morning to go for a walk and a small deer stepped out from behind a wall no more that 3 feet away from us.  Naturally, I assumed the deer would turn and bolt like every other deer with any common sense but instead, he just stared at us and then, incredibly, started to approach us. Naturally, Taiga started to bark and move towards the deer and still nothing.  The deer walked up to me and pushed his nose under my arm. In an attempt to lose the deer, we started our walk. Every now and then Taiga would turn and bark and the deer would also turn and look behind as if to say, "What? Is someone following us?"  This went on for about 3 miles with the deer always about 25 feet behind us. When we got back to the house and I felt I had to do something drastic to get rid of this deer so that he would leave and find his pack. So I ran towards the deer waving my arms and screaming like a banshee to scare him off once and for all. He licked my hand. And right now, as I write this, he's standing outside the living room window just staring at me. Smiling I think. Now I know how the British must have felt dealing with Gandhi.