Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wheel Men Don't Eat Quiche.

I started to notice it as soon as we moved to Oregon. I'd be at the store, or in traffic, or getting gas. I'd turn and catch men - and sometimes women- looking my way and snickering. Usually they'd turn away quickly and go about their business. After this had happened a few times, I realized they weren't looking at me but something slightly lower. No not that. They were looking at my tires. How odd I thought to myself.  What could be wrong with my tires. When I was at home in the privacy of my carport I examined my tires but couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. I went through my tire checklist and everything seemed normal. Round, check. Little nozzle, check. Then one day I got a flat and when I went to the Les Schwab Tire Center the tire guy told me that I might want to consider a 6-ply tire for my Jeep instead of the 4-ply pussy wheels I presently had. So that was it. I was 2 ply shy of being a real man. Of course. No wonder women weren't throwing themselves at me like bugs to a windshield. I signed up immediately for a brand new set of Federal 6-ply light truck utility tires. I could hardly wait to try these bad boys out so the day I picked up the Jeep, Melanie and I headed out for a tour of the dirt roads. We drove for hours then headed down a particularly steep, rocky and treacherous piece of road until we came to the river crossing at Alder Creek. It was gorgeous. A pristine place only accessible to brave men and rugged machines equipped with 6-ply tires. On the other side of the river, men just like me had gathered with their bitches and beer to party.  The music of Charlie Daniels drifted across the river along with the sweet scent of marijuana. I drove home with the feeling that I was finally being accepted in this rugged new world. Which is why is was so disturbing when, two days later, I was filling up and, once again, I turned and caught someone snickering. "What, what is it?" I screamed. "What are you laughing at? These are 6-ply tires."  "Yeah," he replied.  "But they're from Korea."


  1. it has nothing to do with your tires, your clothes, car or hairdo. whether they realize it or not, people can just innately tell you were, are and always will be an overpaid cubicle-dwelling adman.

  2. Hey I never had a cubicle.